Guilt
by Tribal Matriach
Summary: Guilt makes you do strange things...
1. Chapter 1

1

She was to blame, totally. She knew it and everyone else did too. She could see it in their faces, as soon as the news came through, they all looked at her, even the damn Tok'ra!

All she could see, wherever she looked was accusation, IF he ever got back it would be no thanks to her and she knew he would never forgive her. She wanted to dig a deep hole and crawl into it. She knew there was nothing she could have done that would have been worse. And worse than everything, she did it for totally selfish reasons, oh, she could justify it, say she did it for earth, or for the SGC, but the truth is that she did it because she just could not stand the thought of losing him.

Why the hell couldn't Ayiana have lasted for just one more healing, or even better, healed him instead of HER! She could have taken the symbiote, though it was something she really didn't ever want to do again, she knew it would have been better for everyone if he was here.

She went to her lab to 'work' but she couldn't fool herself, she was just there hiding from the gazes of the others, she had nothing to work with! She remembered looking down at him as he lay dying, and begging him "Sir…Please" and hoping he would agree and it wouldn't be the last time she saw him.

And he had agreed! And he had gone and got 'a snake' and then he had… gone. The councillor was being held by Teal'c, he wasn't happy, Jonas was watching the weather channel and eating fruit, General Hammond was waiting for an answer from the Tok'ra about the missions Kanan had been on. And she was 'thinking'.

The announcement came, "Major Carter to the Briefing Room" and she set off hoping there was news. There wasn't. All they had was the reports, no news, no sign of him anywhere. The looks were once more directed at her as she Teal'c and Jonas rushed off to scan and try and find out what the hell caused Kanan to walk off with her CO.

They looked over a years worth of missions, at least with the Tok'ra that meant only 3 missions, as they took so long getting into place. They had the one in Zipacnas ship, one in Baals fortress and one on Yu's main world.

Taking them in order of him doing them, he started the year inside Yu's main palace as a minor Goa'uld in his service and he had assassinated several of Yu's key servants, causing disruption in his ranks.

Then he switched to Baal and infiltrated his heavily defended fortress mapping it out, scouting the things that were being developed. He had got all the intel he needed and just had time to switch to 'zippys' ship, where he managed to sabotage the shield generator in time for Yu to come along and destroy it. Kanan had only just managed to escape at that point, and it caused the death of his host.

Jonas had looked at her strangely as she said 'Zippy' but she couldn't say it any other way, It made Jack seem closer if she used his speech patterns it was really getting to her, she had started trying to see things his way. After all, she had told him a few months ago that he saw the simple solutions, and he had, and saved them all by thinking of using the hyperspace generators when everyone else was out of ideas.

Now he was no longer around it was up to her, she had to be both the brains and the ideas, the leader and the courage for the group, and she couldn't do it. Not only could she not do the Colonels parts, she wasn't sure she could do her own without his inspiration, his outlook, his… O'Neill-ness.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but all she accomplished was a lungful of air with no trace of him on it. Whenever he was near she could sense him, and if he was in the same room she could almost smell him, though he would be offended if she told him, it was nothing to do with personal hygiene and everything to do with his total maleness, he just oozed pheromones, ones that she could not resist, she could almost taste him on the air, and she wished that some time in the last five and a half years she had taken the risk and tasted him for real. The only time she had tried to, she had been ill, and though she remembered it ever since, it wasn't enough, he hadn't responded because of the infection. DAMN! She wished she had, just once, pushed him up against the wall and taken what she needed. But she hadn't, and what was worse was, she could not for the life of her think WHY she hadn't, because it looked like her career would be over if he never came back, so what was she protecting?

She was looking though the journal the report about Baal was written in when she noticed something, if she had not been thinking about her missed opportunities, she would probably have overlooked it, after all this was not the first time she had read it. HER…SHE… the words jumped out at her. When he was referencing his access into Baals chambers to get the deactivation code he mentioned the Lotar, and he also mentioned her gender. Sam knew, that as much as Jack accepted her as a fellow officer, even a fellow front line combat officer, he still opened doors for her, waved her forwards if they were queuing for anything, and gave her considerations he would not think to give a male counterpart.

It was one of the reasons so many of the female staff lusted after him, he saw them as soldiers, but as women too, and the one did not detract from the other in his eyes, so they would accept from him behaviour that would have caused feminist outrage in any other man. Sam was suddenly sure where he had gone, he had gone to rescue HER, she could not be left behind, not only because she helped him, but because she was female! She brought it to the attention of the other two men, both of whom agreed with her when she explained it.

So, they knew where he was, what could they do about it now? Sam loaded the schematics for the fortress, and they REALLY weren't kidding when they called it that. She could not see a way in, though she COULD see how the Colonel would have got back in, they could not do the same, it was a once only use, Baal, or his Jaffa would block it as soon as he used it, and if she was reading the plans correctly it looked like he would have no chance of escaping, though he could probably get her out. Sam felt a surge of jealousy which was ridiculous, but she couldn't help it, he was risking everything for someone he had never met!

How very Jack O'Neill of him. Her heart hurt, she wanted to see him again! Even if it was only once!

They worked through the night, getting nowhere. Eventually Teal'c had to leave, he had not done his Kel'no'reem the night before, and had to meditate for at least a few hours. Sam was once again sunk into the mire she had formed for herself, there was just nothing she could see that could help. No matter how big a strike force, they would not get in, and without getting IN they couldn't get him OUT! And it was all her fault!

She felt a draught of wind pass by her, strange, she had been feeling that sensation for a few weeks on and off, and yet never in the same place twice, Teal'c and Jack had put it down to the ventilation shafts but she wasn't sure that was it, then again, she had no idea what IT was either!

She heard Teal'c leave his quarters as she prowled the halls, but she didn't want to be seen by him, so she ducked into a store cupboard until he passed. He went past with his usual pace, intent on something, but she couldn't raise her curiosity to the level needed to find out WHAT he was doing, when he was supposed to be meditating.

She was soon to find out, she was called to the Generals office. Teal'c had had an idea!


	2. Chapter 2

2.

It had worked! Lord Yu had attacked the fortress and had destroyed the shields, the Colonel had escaped and for some reason travelled to the Tok'ra before being sent back to Earth by them.

When he arrived he was in quite a bad way, physically he wasn't TOO bad, but the holes in his clothes pointed at something really bad, and his hands were badly bruised as if he had fought hand to hand to escape. Janet wasn't sure if his condition was because he had not been placed in a sarcophagus or if it was the beginning of withdrawal from it.

He had been sent back with a written report from Shallan explaining what had happened to him after he arrived back, after Kanan had left him behind. General Hammond had, of course shared the report with the team, and Janet, and they were all shocked at the suffering he had gone through. Even Teal'c expressed the view that it was excessive in the extreme and not something that was normal. But then, Baal was not normal, he was especially cruel in his pleasures.

Every time someone mentioned it Sam felt the weight of her guilt. He had said NO, actually he had said "over my dead body" and she had still pressured him into accepting it! She kept returning to it over and over. She knew why it had been her that had asked him, Hammond knew that she had the best chance of getting him to agree, but the way she had done it! She had used the feelings she knew he had for her against him.

And because of those feelings he had been tortured to death, over and over. This overshadowed anything else he had ever gone through, his PoW days in Iraq were nothing compared as they always had to stop at a certain point or risk losing him, Baal had no such limitation.

The team gathered about the foot of his bed in the infirmary, waiting for him to wake up, they had been there for over 9 hours when he eventually stirred, and of course it was to complain that they were talking too loud.

Janet was stood at the back of the room, allowing his team to satisfy themselves first, and Sam was grateful for it, they could tell straight away that he was not too badly injured, and with his tone of voice, they hoped everything would be back to normal soon. He sounded so tired, Sam could have wept at the sound, as he thanked them for the idea that allowed him to escape, though she had no idea HOW he knew!

Sam almost cried with relief when he looked straight at her and asked for a drink, and she rushed to get him one. She had not seen any sign of blame, though it could be that it was because he could not remember, or he was hiding it. He had always been good at hiding things. She brought him the drink and noticed that Janet had left the room as well, she wanted to say something now they were alone… but she daren't.

She would wait, he would be released in a week or so and then she would catch him at home, where he could shout at her or slam the door in her face, without everything being recorded by the security cameras.

She needed to know how he REALLY felt about what she had done to him, and there was no chance of it on base.

She went to her quarters and settled down for the first real sleep in a week.

**0o0o0o **

Two days later Sam was in the Springs doing some shopping when she received a call on her phone. She picked it up, looked at the caller ID, she placed her basket on the floor and answered.

"Carter" She heard the General and voices in the background speaking loudly, but she could not actually make out what they were saying with the annoying background music being pumped around the store.

"Major Carter, we have a problem, Colonel O'Neill has gone missing from the infirmary"

"Missing? As in he is wandering around the base?"

"We are doing a full sweep of the base as we speak, but you are close to his house, could you go see if he is there?" There was no system in the world that would keep Jack O'Neill in, especially if he had had time to see the system specs.

He had already broken into the base more than once, and out several times, in tests on the system, she was sure that he had left at least one hole in and out that only he knew about, a man like him would NEVER allow someone else to block him in totally.

She had a feeling that they would not find him in the base, no matter how they looked. The thing was, if he was out, where was he? After all Janet had reported he was still in withdrawal from the sarcophagus and not in the best of health, especially emotionally.

She left the basket on the floor and hurried out of the shop, she was in her car and at the Colonels house in less than five minutes, hoping to God that the speed cameras she had passed were not working.

There was no sign of him anywhere, she checked the outsides of his house, the garage and then she went inside. She knew he had not been back, the door was locked, he never locked his door when he was home, not even if he went shopping. She picked the lock, remembering that everyone had planned to give each other keys back when she was taken by Conrad, Daniel and she had swapped, but not the Colonel. She knew it was no reflection on how he saw the team, he just never got around to it.

She found a spare set of keys in his bedroom, in the drawer in his bedside cabinet, and took them with her, she looked around and found a pad of paper and wrote a note saying what she had done and slipped it in the drawer. She looked around the floor, she knew it was there somewhere, slipping back the rug she found it, his gun safe, it looked intact, she pulled the rug back over it and straightened.

She left the house, locking up behind her and did one more quick scan around, she had a feeling that she was being watched, but she couldn't see anyone, she called the base and gave them what she knew, which was not a lot.

She got in her car and drove back to her own home. She was getting an itch in her neck the whole way, but she was not being followed that she could tell. She looked back in her mirror several times but could not spot anyone constantly behind her.

She got home and went into her kitchen, only then remembering the aborted shopping trip, she slammed her hands on the counter and picked her keys back up, she headed for the door, as she approached it she could see it was slightly open, she slowed, she knew she had shut the door when she came in. She was just about to turn to head for her living room, where she kept her personal weapon when she felt someone grab her, something pressed into her neck and she felt the swift action of drugs pulling her down, she was powerless to resist and blackness followed.


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Short chapter

3

She woke up slowly, and tried to stretch, only to realise she was restrained. She opened her eyes and scanned the room, she didn't recognise it, she was tied to a bed, rather like she had been when she was kidnapped, except this wasn't a hospital bed, it was an old fashioned tubular steel framed bed, she was restrained in the same way though, not spread-eagled, hands by her sides, feet and knees tied together and tied to the bottom of the bed. A restraint went over her chest, under her arms and tied her to the head of the frame. Making sure that she could not sit or get sufficient purchase to kick out with her feet. She had something in her mouth, she wasn't sure what it was, except it was some sort of gag, but not a 'normal' type, it had a ball of something like latex attached to a strip of leather or fabric, she could swallow and her mouth wasn't dried out too much.

The room was dark, but there was sufficient light coming in through the almost closed curtains to see herself and that there were bits of furniture around the edges of the room, a dresser and a wardrobe at least. The walls looked to be dark, she wasn't sure if they were painted or papered, or even bare wood, everything was shadowed.

The window above the bed was not large, it wasn't double glazed either, and she strained to hear traffic…nothing… there were sounds, she thought she could hear insects calling in the night, and she realised the light filtering in had to be moonlight, it was the wrong colour for street lighting.

All this added up to somewhere out of town, and she could guess if she were able to scream no one would hear her. She decided not to try making any noise if she could help it, see if she could loosen the bonds first, rather than let whoever took her know she was awake.

She was tied with rope this time, not leather cuffs, and for a while she thought that that would make it easier, it didn't, she pretty quickly realised that whoever tied them knew what they were doing.

The door to her side creaked and she relaxed quickly, hoping she could pretend to be asleep still. Someone moved around the room, a soft light was turned on. She heard something like a tray being put on the dresser, but she dare not even crack her eyelids to see what was happening, not yet anyway. She felt the mattress sink as a weight rested on it by her knees and a soft deep voice spoke

"Do you know how hard it is, to forgive being betrayed?" Her eyes shot open, looking straight at the brown orbs in his face that were looking at her in turn. "I've never been big on forgiveness, ask Cromwell if you don't believe me. But YOU, I trusted you, I loved you! And all you did for me was throw me away to the Tok'ra, you used me to help them, and then abandoned me" He didn't look well, he was sweating and his hands were shaking where they rested on his knees, it was obvious that he was still having problems from the sarcophagus and if he was as bad as Daniel had been he could turn violent without a moments notice.

She was about to open her mouth and try to deny the things he was accusing her of when she realised that this was exactly what she had been thinking ever since it happened, she couldn't deny it, he was right! Then she remembered the gag, she couldn't have said anything anyway, she tried to convey her sorrow and remorse through her eyes.

"And then, when I finally escape and get back, what do I see? A scar on the back of your neck!" She thought rapidly… what scar? "And I realise that not only was I betrayed, but the woman I love no longer even exists! You killed her, and for that I am going to make sure you suffer, for a long time"

Oh god! The immature symbiote, she had not thought of it leaving a scar! She had been unconscious when it had entered her and must have healed to a scar the entry point, no one bothered to mention it because they would all have thought she knew, and of course she couldn't say she had NOT been infested, because she had! The scar proved it.

"I don't know how far it has spread, I am going to head back to the SGC and take them out, one at a time until the base is cleared of the infection. It has to be at least Hammond and Fraiser or you wouldn't be free to roam about. God alone knows why Teal'c didn't spot it before now, but I will have to avoid him, just in case" He was talking to himself, he was not looking for her to answer him, and she doubted that if she could have spoken to him he would have listen. "I'll try getting hold of Davis in DC, see if he knows anything, no, better I do this alone, I can do it, it wouldn't be the first time I have taken out that many single handed…yeah, just need a few supplies…" he lapsed into silence for a minute or two while she just lay there and watched him.

"If you are still alive, when I return, we will play a few games, Baal taught me several fun things to try with someone who can be healed. I suggest though, you leave her now, that way you get a quick death instead of trying to keep her alive while she dies of thirst" He looked at her for a minute and shook his head.

Then he leaned over and gently brushed her hair away from her face with his fingers, he kissed her forehead and said in a whisper "Goodbye Carter"


	4. Chapter 4

4

Sam tried to move she struggled for all she was worth giving out grunts and whimpers as he rose from the bed. She HAD to get him to talk to her! If he left her hoping that she would last several days, even a week because she had a symbiote, she would be dead before he even thought she would be in danger!

He looked down at her sadly as she struggled and left the room, closing the door behind him. She was alone! He was going to leave her and she was going to die! She heard another door shut and an engine start and pull away from the building, silence descended quickly as the noise died away, and then the insects started up again, filling the vacuum that nature so abhors.

The night passed, she couldn't move at all, the ropes holding her were too well tied and she knew that the Colonel knew all the tricks, damn he had taught her several that she had not even thought of before, so he knew just how far her knowledge extended, and what to do to negate her. Her ankles had rope burns as they were the only thing she could get any real purchase on, the rope under her arms and across her chest was digging in as well, but she had got exactly nowhere. She fell into an exhausted sleep as the sun rose.

Hours later she woke, thirsty, chewing on the ball in her mouth produced a minimum of saliva, it was better, but she needed a drink. She looked around the room now she had more light. It was a cabin by the looks, she was on a single bed away from the walls, there was a bottle of water on the dresser on a tray, and she thought she could see a packet of sandwiches too, strange, why would he put them there if he was leaving her to die? Torture? Being able to see the water and not reach it WAS torture and she knew it would only get worse.

The furniture was all real wood, good stuff, hand made by the look and the rooms bare walls were polished to a high shine, wherever she was, this was no rustic backwater cabin, this place was well looked after. Was she in the famous 'fishing' cabin? She doubted it, apart from the fact that it would be one of the places the General would look for him, it was a hell of a long way from the SGC and if the Colonel thought the place was compromised, he wouldn't take a trip to Minnesota before seeing to it.

She couldn't see her watch and had to gauge time by the shaft of sunlight creeping up the bed, by what she reckoned would be late morning, going on noon, the gap in the curtains meant that a shaft of light was directly in her eyes. She was blinded!

She heard a car, it came up to the building and someone got out! She started thrashing about on the bed as best she could, but she was making no sound, the springs in the base had been well oiled! She tried to shout past the gag, and she heard a door open and shut… someone walked towards the room she was in, she grunted loudly, the footsteps stopped, then turned and walked away again! NO! IN HERE! She shouted in her mind, but whoever it was didn't appear. She allowed tears to run down her face for the first time since it all began.

After an hour or so she thought she could hear something, a voice, someone was talking, probably in the room beyond the door to the one she was in.

"No, I'm telling you she's a Goa'uld!" It was the Colonel, for some reason he had not abandoned her "She has a scar on the back of her neck" she couldn't hear anyone answering him, "So how did it get there? How do you know? Weren't you busy with me then? How do I know you aren't a delusion from the withdrawal? Ok yes, last time you were right, I got out, but how can I know you are here now? You said you were leaving."

He kept pausing as if listening to someone, but she had no idea who the hell it was! She heard him moving about a little during the day and he kept coming close to the door, but he never came in again. She drifted off to sleep again for an hour or so, as she was waking she heard him moving in and out of the building, packing the vehicle probably. He came back in and stood just on the other side of the door, she heard him talking again, this time in a low voice as if to avoid her hearing him.

"She will be thirsty now, can I ask you to keep an eye on her? If the snake leaves her you could come and get me… no look she IS a snake, just keep an eye on her. GODDAMMIT! Look if you don't want to help then say so! Thank you! You know where I'll be. No I'll be fine, I've been through withdrawal before, I know what to expect, I helped you through it didn't I?" he moved off again, still she couldn't hear anyone else. Maybe he was delusional and talking to himself? Daniel hadn't done anything like that that she knew of, but then it had been the Colonel who had helped him most, stating he had done it before, she wondered how many people he had helped, and what had happened to him to make him go through it.

She needed to pee. She had been tied up, or unconscious for almost a full 24 hours now. She had held on as long as she could, but with tears of frustration running down her cheeks she had to allow her bladder to relax, at least the room was warm, warm and wet was more pleasant than cold and wet.

She lay looking at the ceiling and thinking over her life, she realised she had not a lot to think about. She had always been independent, the only time she had ever allowed anyone any control it had been Jonas, and she had learnt her lesson from THAT quite quickly. Apart from that she had done nothing but work. Her dad would miss her, eventually, Teal'c and Hammond would notice soon, if they hadn't already, Jonas wouldn't know enough to be worried. No one else would know, or even care.

She sobbed slightly, she was VERY thirsty now. Crying was wasting her body fluids, she tried to stop them falling, but it was no good, she realised. There wasn't much point, she had another 2 days, max, she couldn't last as long as he was thinking. She wasn't sure she wanted to last the full 2 days. Thirst was not a nice way to die, she had been told.

She tried to work out sums in her head, but she saw no point to it. As far as she could see there was no way she was going to survive this. She lay back and stared up again, at least the sun was out of her eyes now.

Night fell, she couldn't sleep, but she was too emotionally drained to try anything, she realised she had given up. And she hated herself.

Next morning she heard the car pull up again, this time the Colonel walked straight to the door of the bedroom and opened it. He still looked ill, he wouldn't meet her eyes and ignored the sounds she made as he looked all around the room, checking all over the floor. He straightened and left again, closing the door firmly behind him, she heard him shouting at whoever it was.

"You told me she had lost the snake! There's no way it could have got out of that room! For fucks sake I was almost in the SGC when you called me out! We will never be able to finish this unless I get in and take out Hammond!" she didn't know who it was, but she now did think someone was there! If it was just a delusion they would not be pulling him back when he was so close to his goals… would they? It? Whatever. She realised she wasn't thinking straight either now.

She heard him talking again for five or ten minutes and then she heard something that gave her hope "You think so? Yeah I suppose so, I'm sure Jacob would help remove it if I keep her alive." The door opened and he walked in and headed for the tray, he picked up the water and went to the head of the bed, he leaned down and pulled at the gag, he removed it and opened the bottle, pouring a small amount into her mouth. It was warm, tepid, but she didn't care, she thought it was the best water she had ever tasted!

She said "thank you" as soon as she had swallowed it and he gave her some more, looking towards the open door as he did so. She decided to risk it and started to speak

"Sir, if you would just allow me to explain" he picked up the gag again and she shook her head "I'll be quiet" she clasped her lips tight together and he looked at her he offered her the bottle and she nodded her head and he tipped it up for her, until she had finished the drink. "bathroom?" she asked quietly, he looked at her, realising that she had wet herself and soon would probably soil herself if he left her as she was, he nodded and pulled out a Zat, he shot her and untied her while she was writhing at the blast.


	5. Chapter 5

5

As soon as she recovered he gestured out the door with the gun and she headed to the bathroom, he went in with her and watched her as she did what she needed to, she was embarrassed but knew he would not take his eyes off her in there, too much she could use for weapons. She left her jeans on the bathroom floor but she reluctantly pulled her pants back up. "clean clothes?" she asked he shook his head and pointed her out of the door with the Zat.

She went out and straight to the bedroom, she couldn't risk him shooting her again, he motioned for her to lay on the bed. "Can I turn the mattress over?" she asked he looked at her, thinking, not once glancing at the bed. He nodded and she stripped the bed and turned the mattress over, it wouldn't stop the smell but it would be dry.

"Food?" she asked pointing to the sandwiches, they were 2 days old probably, but were better than nothing. He shook his head and gestured for her to lay down again, she was about to complain when he raised the gun, she saw his fingers tightening and lay down quickly.

He tied her up, having left the ropes with loops on so it could be done quickly, he did not tie her knees together yet, just the rope around her chest, her ankles and then one around her hands that went under the bed and over her stomach. He left her there and went out of the room.

He came back in less than 10 minutes with a packet of sandwiches, he threw them on the bed, with another bottle of water, and loosened her hands. She opened the bottle first and gratefully drank half, then opened the sandwiches, she grimaced at the taste, she hated tuna! Now was not the time to complain, she thought she saw him smile slightly, he knew she didn't like tuna! She forced it down and drank the rest of the water. She then lay still without complaint.

It had taken Daniel a week to recover from the sarcophagus, he had been… how long? 5 days? Maybe 6? He should be coming around some time soon, maybe that was why she was starting to get concessions.

He tied her hands and her knees together, she could have sworn she felt him caress her leg! He once again brushed her hair from her face and kissed her forehead, "It wont be long, we will get your dad in, he will remove the snake, hang in there Sam"

She closed her eyes "yes sir" she whispered back.

He left the room, at least he had not gagged her again. She lay for hours before she heard him leave.

Next day she did not see him. She was getting very thirsty again and was in danger of having to wet herself when she thought she saw someone in the corner of the room. She looked sharply but there was no one there, she shouted. No answer.

She lay there, again looking at her life, all this that she was going through was her fault anyway. If she had not persuaded him to take the snake he wouldn't have gone to Baal and been tortured to death. He would not have been resurrected over and over and he would not have been going through withdrawal. She couldn't blame him for any of this, he wasn't in control.

All through that day she got thirstier and thirstier, when she eventually let her bladder empty she could feel it burning as it left her, she was severely dehydrated, no shock there. The longer she waited the more often she thought she could see someone in the corner of the room. Someone in white. She must becoming delusional, maybe it was the ghost of her mother? She giggled slightly hysterical. The form in the corner moved.

"Hang in there Sam" a voice came out "Jack collapsed in the SGC while trying to get to the General, he's sedated at the moment, hopefully he will be coming around soon"

She lifted her head as much as possible and squinted, the form looked like Daniel! He wasn't all glowy as he had been the last time she had seen him, he was dressed in white trousers and a cream coloured jumper.

"Daniel" she tried to croak out, her mouth was that dry it hurt to try and talk.

"Yeah, I've been keeping an eye on you for Jack" he said, she looked at him questions piling up behind her eyes, unable to articulate them.

"I was the one who got him back here last time, I was trying to stop him getting into the SGC and killing General Hammond. As well as you needing a drink"

She moved her mouth but no words came out.

"Hold on Sam, not much longer, he's starting to come around… I'll be back" he disappeared. Well that was final proof, she had gone mad with thirst, she always thought you had to be in a dessert for that to happen.

After about an hour he was back! "Jack has told them where you are, someone is on the way, just hold on" Daniel stayed beside her until she heard vehicles pulling up outside, Major Carter!" she heard Teal'c shouting, she lay still, no energy to try and make a noise left. "In HERE!" he shouted and Janet was kneeling by the bed, she rigged up an IV line and got a bottle of water to Sams lips before even trying to get her untied.

Sam managed to swallow a small amount of water and Janet removed the rest, she knew it would make her ill if she drank a lot, but her body was telling her she needed it, she tried to follow the water as it was removed. Janet kept talking to her all the time, but she fell into a doze and remembered nothing else until she awoke in the infirmary 2 days later.

**0o0o0o **

She had a pounding headache! She stirred slightly, she couldn't feel the ropes any more… she remembered! She sat upright and immediately felt very sick, she threw her upper body over the side of the bed, luckily someone was watching her and stopped her from falling, she found a bowl under her face and managed to heave into it. Nothing but bile. Not surprising really, it had been days since she had eaten and all her fluids were coming into her via IV, she could feel the pull on her arm that told her she was still connected.

She lay back and a cool cloth was put on her forehead, she heard someone…him…saying 'shhh' over and over, and she drifted back off to sleep again.

Next time she woke she made sure she didn't move too quickly, she tried to open her eyes but the lights were too bright. She tried to wet her lips but her mouth was too dry. She felt a spoon at her mouth and ice chips were dropped in, she allowed them to melt, feeling the parched membranes on the inside of her mouth absorb the moisture. She again tried to open her eyes, whoever was at her side moved off and she could see the lights dim through her closed eyelids. She blinked a couple of times to get her eyes focusing and she saw the Colonel over by the light switch.

"Thank you sir" she said, he nodded and came back to her bedside. He sat on it at the side of her.

"Carter…" he couldn't look her in the eye, he was messing with something in his hand that was taking all his attention.

"That's ok sir, it wasn't your fault" she told him before he could continue

"How can you forgive me for it though! You almost died for Gods sake!" she raised a hand and put her fingers on his lips

"It wasn't your fault" she repeated. She wondered how much he remembered about it all. Did he remember talking to someone? Did he think he was seeing Daniel as she had? Was it Daniel? Did he remember kissing her forehead and telling her he loved her? She remembered her feelings of a life wasted, and how she had wished, when he was missing, for a chance to tell him how she felt. Was she going to throw all that insight away and go back to how they had been before?

She moved her fingers along his lips, then along his jaw until her hand was cupping the side of his face. He was looking at her as if she had lost her mind. His eyes flicked up to the cameras in the corners, but she already knew that they were in a blind spot because of a set of screens around the far side of her bed. Janet always tried to put the female staff in this bed, it gave them a bit more privacy, as most of the security staff who watched the monitors were men… 39 out of 40 of them actually.

He started to pull away from her and before he could she put her hand around the back of his head and drew him towards her, she lightly kissed his lips, and then she had exhausted her strength, she fell back onto the bed, allowing her hand to fall down his chest and rest on his upper thigh.

He coughed and moved off the bed. "I think you need some rest Carter" he said she nodded at him, a slight smile on her lips. "yes well…" he was backing away to the door "I'll leave you to it then" he said and left.

She rolled onto her side, pulling the IV slightly, but if they moved the screens she had her back to the cameras. She smiled to herself, he had always allowed her the first move, it was about time she made it!


	6. Chapter 6

6

Sam was released after 2 more days, SG1 was on downtime for at least 2 weeks, as she had to go see Mackenzie , on her own and as part of a group with the rest of the team. No one would accept her word that she didn't feel any bitterness against her CO, except Teal'c, he agreed with her.

Mackenzie said she was suffering from misplaced guilt, which was why she wasn't blaming him, she wondered if she had screamed and shouted that he had not to come near her, would that have been 'better' from a psychological view?

Jonas had been buzzing around a lot, and most times when she woke Teal'c had been there, but the only times she had seen Jack had been just as she woke, he was always gone before she could talk to him. Was it because he was embarrassed by her actions? Naww a man like him must be used to women being forward with him, she knew if she had not been his 2IC she would have jumped him within days of meeting him…hours if she was honest, the first time she got a good look at those bedroom eyes of his.

She went to the locker room, only to realise she had no civvies to wear, her top and bra had been cut off by Janet as she was sticking monitors and tubes into her, her jeans probably still lay on the bathroom floor of whatever cabin they had been in. She sighed and got a clean set of BDUs out and dressed in the trousers and shirt, she decided to leave the jacket, it wasn't cold out.

She signed out of the mountain and made her way home, once she got there she had a shower and changed into some sweats. She headed for he kitchen, once again realising that she had not done any shopping when this all started, damn, she really didn't feel like going out again. She was just about to call for a Chinese delivery when she heard the doorbell, she made her way to the door, memories making her move slower than usual, but when she looked out the peephole she could see Teal'c and Jonas with a pizza box, she opened the door and welcomed them in, looking around for the other team member, in vain.

"O'Neill will be here soon" Teal'c said "he stated you needed some 'things' and he went to procure them" she had no idea what 'things' they could be, but if he wasn't avoiding her then it was fine.

They had only just sat down when she heard her door open and her CO walked in, her mouth watered and not from the pizza, he had on a sinful black polo neck and his sunglasses, with black jeans, at least two sizes too big for him, he had a couple of large brown bags and she jumped up to relieve him of one. She led him into the kitchen when he said

"Food" he said "I came by the other day to check and you had nothing in" she smiled at him "no tuna" he specified and she looked sharply at him, so he did remember!

He coughed and said he would see her later and started to back out of the kitchen, she grabbed his jumper and pulled him back "Carter!" he exclaimed "What do you think you are doing?"

"What we should have done 2 years ago, if not longer" she said pressing up against him

He grabbed her upper arms and lifted her away from him, "Think about it!" he hissed "is a quick fuck against the kitchen units worth your career?" she thought about it, he was right, it wasn't, not when Jonas was in the other room. Teal'c wouldn't say anything, but Jonas wouldn't know NOT to.

"I don't want a quick fuck" she hissed back at him, that wasn't actually true, she DID, but she wanted more. "I want YOU, anyway I can get you, as much as you are willing to give"

"I love you, as a FRIEND Carter. I feel the same way about Teal'c and did about Daniel, a lot more than I am supposed to, but if you think I am romantically attracted to you, you are wrong" he leaned over and kissed her forehead again and whispered "I'm sorry" and left her stood in her kitchen wondering how she could have been so very wrong!

**0o0o0o **

She went back into her living room and told the other two that he had been called back to base, she chewed on a single slice of pizza, not tasting it and not hungry, eventually the others noticed she was preoccupied and bid her good night. She locked the door behind them and made her way to her bed.

How could she have misread him so much? How the hell was she supposed to face him now? She sat on the edge of her bed for hours, making no effort to get undressed or to go to sleep. She replayed everything she ever remembered him saying, every look. Apart from Apophis's ship and at the sentinel, the only look she could remember that she could honestly say could not mean anything else was in the Za'tarc test, 3 looks in 5 years? Was he telling the truth? Did he see her as a very close friend? She knew he had the capacity to sacrifice himself for people a lot less important to him, was THAT what the speech about him dying rather than losing her meant? NO she would not accept it!

She couldn't be THAT wrong! And if she was she had nothing to lose anyway, she had already gone too far to back down, there was no way she could work with him if he was telling the truth! And she NEEDED him! However she could get him!

She stood and looked at the clock, 01:00. She had had enough, she knew no matter what, he would in no way allow her to risk her career, and similarly she knew if anything happened it would be him that was held up as the one responsible, he was the senior officer, she made a plan, she would get what she wanted, and make it so he could not be held responsible. She gathered some things that she thought she would need and left her home.

The first thing she needed was a way of getting close to him, without him knowing. There was no way in hell she could sneak up on him when he was asleep, she had tried it before offworld, he slept with both eyes open sometimes it seemed.

She made her way onto the base and into the infirmary, she knew Janet kept all the usual drugs locked up, but she knew there was a small bottle of sleeping pills that were left on a shelf for anyone who needed to sleep after a mission. She also knew that Janet had told him he had to use some because of the nightmares he was having. She didn't need a massive dose, the residual drugs in his system just needed topping up and he would sleep. She took 4 and a hypodermic and was debating if she could get a tranq gun, she decided not to risk it and left the base again.

She made her way to his house and unlocked the patio door using the keys she had taken when she was looking for him, she looked around, she couldn't see anything that she could use to hide the tablets in! Damn! Why had he shopped for her and not for himself? She found a bottle of water in the fridge, she crushed 2 of the tablets quietly between two spoons and using a hypodermic drew water from the bottle, mixed the powder in and injected it back in.

She now just had to wait for him to drink it. His drink of choice was beer, she knew so she had to get him to exercise, she hid the other things she had bought behind the TV unit and left.

At 06:00 she rang him and asked if he minded if she came around, he sounded wary but said yes. She drove to his house, in her jogging sweats, with her water bottle on her belt and when he answered the door and questioned her attire she said she only came to apologise on her way to the park, she needed a run. She had seen him running around the track in the park several times when walking with Cassie and her dog. She had joined him several times too. She knew he would be getting antsy about now, no missions but well enough to work, on enforced downtime.

He told her to forget the apology and that he would join her running, he got changed and they headed off for a run. She was surprised, she had only meant to plant the suggestion in his head, but he went with her… as if the confrontation in the kitchen never happened. She had expected him to avoid her, instead he seemed more comfortable than he had since that Za'tarc incident.

After an hour they headed back to his house, she kept drinking out of her bottle, offering him some, which he declined, as soon as they got back he invited her in and headed for the fridge, he opened the bottle and swallowed the contents in one. Now she just had to wait.

He offered her the guest bathroom to clean up, but she had no fresh clothes so she declined, she watched a documentary while he showered, after an hour she went to see what had happened to him, he was asleep on the bed, he only had a pair of boxers on.

She smiled and went back to the living room to get her things. She had 2 silk scarves, a pair of handcuffs and some massage oil, she headed back to the bedroom quietly, she was just about to cuff his hands when he twisted and she was beneath him, he was VERY awake!


	7. Chapter 7

7

"Whatcha doin'?" he said as if he was asking from the door of her lab, no anger in his voice, nothing but idle curiosity. She had no idea what to say, she struggled and he leaned more of his weight on her, crushing her into the bed, "Carter? Cat got your tongue?" he put his head into her neck and licked the skin beneath her ear, she shuddered. "how about you explain why I shouldn't have you up on charges for assaulting a superior officer?"

"I didn't assault you" she managed to speak at last trying to lever him off her body, he grabbed her hands and held them in just one of his.

"Want to explain what was in that water bottle then?" he asked "and before you say, I still have the one you worked on last night, I don't EVER sleep well enough for someone to sneak into my house at night without me waking" she closed her eyes, her career was over, she may even end up in Leavenworth for this. Oh shit! What had she done?

She couldn't explain to him… even thinking it to herself it sounded wrong, so unlike her… she had tried to drug her superior so she could … what? Seduce him? There was no seduction involved, in fact if she was honest about it, it was closer to rape. What the hell was she doing?!

She jumped when she heard the cuffs, and then before she knew it she was wearing them! Was he arresting her? He licked the side of her neck again, and nibbled on her shoulder, she moaned and moved slightly to give him access. He pressed her even further into the bed and she could feel his arousal, so much for not being interested, but then he was a man, and a typical man wouldn't turn anyone half way decent down, and she knew she was at least decent looking. She shuddered at the thought of him being aroused by her.

He moved her up the bed and used one of her scarves to tie the cuffs to the headboard. "I want your legs free" he whispered, "if you really think this is worth going to all this trouble for, I think we should both enjoy it, don't you?" she shuddered again.

He opened the draw that used to hold his keys and brought out a hunting knife, he carefully cut away her sweater and then her sports bra, she panted as she saw him looking at her chest, licking his lips, she thrust herself towards him, but he didn't touch her.

Then he stripped off her bottom half. He was hard and he was large, as he stood at the side of the bed, looking at her until she started to become uncomfortable, his arousal tented the shorts. She ached at the thought of him, but he didn't move, he stood watching her.

She thought she saw a flicker in his eyes, a drawing back. NO! He mustn't not after going this far, she had to think of something to goad him into action!

"You just going to LOOK Jack?" she asked and saw his nostrils flare and his eyes darken. But still he made no move. "or was that bit about you loving Daniel the same way a hint that I had you matched with the wrong team member?" What the hell was she saying? But she could not answer herself, and she couldn't stop either, she HAD to get some response from him!

He growled at her and stripped off his shorts, he forced her legs open and plunged into her without any warning or foreplay. She didn't need either, she had been aroused when she had entered his bedroom, but the fact that he was awake and had tied her up was all the foreplay she needed, now she just wanted HIM.

GOD! He was big and he was strong, and she didn't think anyone had ever reached as far into her as he was doing.

He was hard and brutal in pounding into her, he gave her nothing except for his presence, and she was happy with it. He came screaming her name into her neck, and after a few minutes and rose from her and went into the bathroom. She tried to loosen the scarf, but couldn't manage the knots he had tied.

She could hear him swearing at himself and a banging noise. She managed to get the knife that he had laid on the pillow and cut through her bonds. She made her way into the room, he was sat against the wall, banging his head on the tiles, tears streaming down his face. She still had the cuffs on, but she looped her arms over his head and pressed kisses into his face.

"Shh, it's OK" she kept repeating

"GOD! I am so fucked up!" he said "All I wanted was to love you, and I was so scared of loosing you if I tried, that you would realise how much better you could do, that you would leave… and then I go and rape you!"

She tried to lift his head so she could see into his eyes, but the cuffs prevented it, so she put her head into the junction of his neck and shoulder and started talking to him. "You didn't rape me, I never said no, if you think about it, and I certainly didn't want you to stop!" she raised her head and changing tone said "however if you ever get yourself off and leave me hanging again I shall be pissed!" She knew she was lying as she said it, but it worked.

He snorted, she kissed him, this time on the lips, she started slow, but passion built until they came apart gasping when she had enough air she said "want to try again?"

**0o0o0o **

He stood and in one fluid motion lifted her into his arms. She struggled slightly "your knees!" she said

"Snake" he replied and she realised that he was probably in better physical shape than she was nowadays.

He lay her on the bed and covered her body with his, she held her hands out over his back and asked to be untied, to which he growled a no, and lifted the arms back towards the remains of the scarf. He managed to tie her up with the remaining silk and worked his way slowly down her body.

She swore he did not miss a single square centimetre of skin, he licked, bit or kissed every tiny portion of her that he could reach, except for the places she wanted him to!

She ached, there was a throbbing between her legs that she had never experienced before, and he wouldn't let her close her legs, or grind herself on him to relieve it. She groaned and he continued to kiss her stomach, she lifted her legs and tried to wrap them around his back, but he told her to lay still or he WOULD tie her legs.

She had not had many sexual partners, Jonas was the first and he was more interested in his own pleasure, he liked control, but not in the way Jack was controlling her now, he controlled the place and time, and how long they would take, everything as if on a pre-planned mission there was no love, no romance, just satisfying a physical urge. She had never had an orgasm with him.

After him there was Dave, he was a sweet boy, she dominated him to the point where he wouldn't even try to initiate sex, she always was the aggressor with him, very physical, but she always longed for something else from him… she didn't want him to fight her…she had no idea what she wanted, all she knew was it wasn't right. He didn't last long! She grew bored quickly, she had been satisfied for the first few times they had made love, but it soon faded so she was pretending just to get it over with.

Then there was Ian, Ian wanted to be equal partners, and lost his temper when she wouldn't respond to him, when it was… as he put it… his turn on top! She wasn't sure WHY she couldn't respond, no matter how patient he was, she lay like a rubber doll until he gave up. But the day he lost is temper and went for her, she hit him, just once, and when he came too she kicked him out.

Now here was Jack, she thought she knew what she wanted from him, she wanted to be in control as usual, but was hoping that he would give her something more, she hadn't had an orgasm with a man for years, not for their lack of trying, Ian had constantly told her that it was her fault, she just never let control go long enough to relax into it. Jack, was different, he refused to allow her control from the start she could feel the start of an orgasm before just by him taking what he wanted from her, no ages of build up for a non-existent climax with this man!

So why the hell wouldn't he give her what she needed? She growled low in her throat as he started kissing her breast, better, but still the ache between her legs was becoming almost painful!

"Just fuck me for God sake" she told him, he ignored her and kept manipulating her breasts, moving from one to the other with his mouth, she was panting, and couldn't catch her breath properly, and she was trying to push more of herself into his mouth at the same time.

He raised his head and looked straight at her… "What do you want?" he asked… well duh! She had already told him! "Do you want a quick fuck? Or something more? Do you want to scream?"

"In your dreams" she said… oh god did she want to scream!! But she knew herself, Ian had been right, she wouldn't give up that much control.

He grinned at her and lowered his head again and bit her nipple, HARD, she jerked "NO!" she said "Not into pain" he grinned again and bit the other one "Jack! I mean it!" she had to admit though a sensation she had never felt before went straight from her chest to her clit when he did it!

He moved his hand from her left breast and suddenly she could feel his fingers entering her, she gasped and her muscles automatically tightened to feel the intrusion better… he groaned into her chest "So wet!" he curled his fingers inside her and rubbed on her G spot, her hips started moving of their own accord, she could feel it building, he took her right to the edge, but as usual she couldn't let go, she hovered there, until she gasped out to him

"No!" she gasped he stopped and raised himself over her, "I'm not going to come, enter me" he looked at her quizzically. "I… don't… can't…" how could she tell him? It was obvious that she was close, she could feel the muscles trembling. She could not let go, she was almost crying in frustration at herself… what the hell was wrong with her.

He put a hand on her lower back and lifted her slightly, he pushed inside her she gasped at the feeling, but still it was not enough. And then twisted over lifting her onto her side, he brought his hand up and slapped her, HARD!

She was so shocked, how dare he, she was just about to kick him when all the feelings she had been suppressing released, she fell into a blinding orgasm, screaming his name, and she passed out!


	8. Chapter 8

8

When she came around she wasn't tied up any more, Jack was spooned up behind her, stroking her gently. "You really have to learn to give up control" he said. "Not everything is something that can be fixed by thinking about it, and not all problems have solutions" he pressed into her, still very much aroused, she realised he had not come.

She twisted so she could see him over her shoulder. "How did you know?" he looked at her with that endearing look he gave when she was speaking technobabble at him. "How did you know how to make me…" damn she was blushing!

He smiled at her. "I thought it was obvious really," he was speaking as if he was explaining something in a briefing, she smiled at the thought "you are too controlled, I just had to get you close and then do something to break your emotional hold" he leaned over and kissed her demanding entrance to her mouth with his tongue, she gave a slight whimper, he grabbed her jaw and pushed against her lips harder, she gave in and opened her mouth, his tongue swept in and she was overwhelmed by his taste.

"You can't control me Carter" he said, "I don't mind playing games, or even acting out fantasies, but I won't be controlled" she sighed, maybe this was what she had needed after all, she knew for sure she had never felt as satisfied in body and soul before. "and I WILL control you!" her eyes snapped open, that was going too far!

She started to get out of the bed, with no effort at all he had her laid under him again.

"Stop Carter!" he snapped, she struggled for freedom, he grabbed both her hands and held them beside her head. NO! She was NOT going to allow any man to control HER! However while her head was saying that, her body was showing her true feelings, she started to get wet again. Her body betrayed her! He impaled her on him again, she froze.

"Carter, of all the men you could have had, why chose me? Daniel is closer your age," he withdrew half way and then pushed himself back in all the way in one quick movement. "Martouf the pretty snake was soft and gentle," Again he withdrew, a bit further and pushed back in harder! "Narim was a sophisticate," again! "Why ME? I'll tell you why, you knew I could give you what no one else would" he drew right back to her entrance only the wide head still inside her and thrust himself into her forcefully. "You need someone to control you, to give you a rest from the self imposed controls you have built" he withdrew and thrust again, she could already feel herself building up! GOD! Was it true? Did she really want to be dominated like this? No wonder she had trouble coming with the others.

He started moving in and out with a pace that she could only describe as determined, he didn't release her hands, he didn't use his, or his mouth, he just pounded into her taking her to the edge again, and when she got there he leaned down and whispered in her ear, "let go" she did! She felt her body spasm around him and a most delicious out of control sensation floated around her, she could still feel him working towards his own completion and seconds later he came, screaming into her shoulder as his whole body went rigid. He fell to the side, pulling her along with him so she was half laid on top of him. "sleep" he said and before she knew it he was breathing deeply, and she rested her head on his chest and did as she was told.

**0o0o0o **

She awoke and stretched, she ached in places she had forgotten COULD ache! She smiled and knew if she could see herself she would look like a cat that had cream. She noticed she was alone in the bed but she didn't care, she could smell him all around her, in her, and on her, she picked up the pillow and buried her face in it breathing deeply. She heard a chuckle and froze.

She whipped around, he was sitting in a chair watching her. "So" he said "I have to ask… why now?" she didn't want to explain, she didn't want to admit to the guilt she felt as he may take it that she was only fucking him to assuage her feelings, and that wasn't it! Or at least it wasn't totally it.

He sat patiently waiting for the answer, any other damn time he wouldn't be able to sit still that long! She looked at him and shrugged, shaking her head slightly. He rose and came to the bed, still naked and half aroused, he leant over and kissed her, pushing her down onto her back again "Why now?" he repeated

"Lots of reasons" she said, he nodded but went back to waiting, she sighed "I realised when you were missing that I had never told you how much I loved you, and had never" she blushed slightly "tasted you, when you came back you didn't blame me for… for…" tears stood in her eyes and she couldn't say the words.

"You were trying to save my life, it wasn't your fault, what happened, it was mine, I was so disgusted with Kanans actions that he felt he had to act. What about what happened after, when I kidnapped you?"

"Not your fault, we should have told you about Steveson, and you shouldn't have been allowed out of the base" he snorted at that "You weren't in control, and you DID return for me before it was too late" he looked at her guiltily

"I… I"

"Daniel told you the snake had gone?" his eyes pierced her, she was right, maybe it wasn't a delusion after all? They did come for her when he said they would, she had no way of knowing that they would! "He appeared to me too, told me to hang on, that you had been sedated trying to kill the General"

"Yeah… he was with me through a lot of it with Baal" she gave a sigh and held him tight, not only had he not been totally alone, but he didn't think she was totally crazy talking about their dead friend like that. He rested his head in the crook of her neck, he seemed to like that particular spot. "Want food?" he asked

"Need a shower first I think" she replied, "and someone damaged my clothes" he snorted again

"You're fine as you are" he said.

"Yeah but I will get arrested going home like this" she said, his gaze pierced her again.

"You aren't going anywhere, you belong here!" he snapped at her. She was about to snap back when she realised, she actually didn't want to go back to her house, she was happy to be here, with him.

"What about the frat regs?" she asked him "We can't be caught living together"

"Fuck 'em" he said "I've done enough for this country, this whole damn world, they CAN'T pay us enough for what we do, and while I have always done my duty, even if it meant disobeying orders, I want YOU! And nothing they can say will ever make me give you up! Not now."

"You are the senior officer, even though all this was my idea" she gestured around the room "you will get into most trouble, you could even end up in prison"

"Got a get out of gaol free card" he said smugly, she looked at him… "I had words with my buddy a while back, he assures me they don't have a prison on earth that can hold me if he is in orbit" he had spoken to Thor about them? Told him what may happen and got him to agree to break him out? Would it really work? He kissed her on the lips and dragged her to her feet "Wanna come with, if it happens?" he asked, she beamed at him in answer.


End file.
